Sunday was National coming out day, which got me thinking about my own coming out story, and how there are many LGBT+ people out there who have not come out and are not sure how to tell people, or are just coming to terms with their identity. On my blog and on Twitter, I am very open about being a gay woman and talk honestly about my experiences. However, as a teenager, I struggled with my sexuality and felt that I couldn't talk about it due to fear of being judged. I did have a fairly positive experience with coming out, and it could be the same for you.
I would like to start by saying that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with being unsure of who you are, whether it's gender or sexuality.
How I magically realised I was a lesbian:
When I was 11, I started an all girls secondary school and straight away, I had a crush on a girl for the first time. I remember feeling quite scared- I had just started a new school where I didn't know most people and I was terrified of what people would think. I didn't want to be considered different as I'd been bullied in primary school. What did this mean? Did this mean I was a lesbian? I'd only ever heard that word thrown around in a negative context before, like it was something really bad or embarrassing. However, I knew I'd never looked at a boy the way I looked at this girl. I wanted to be around her all the time and thought she was lovely and funny.
Throughout the rest of high school I didn't tell anyone about my feelings, but they were always in the background of my mind. In this heteronormative environment (where people assume you are straight.) I honestly believed my attraction to girls was a phase. Out of school I sometimes kissed boys, and had my first kiss with a girl at 15. I just played it off saying that girls could kiss girls and be straight, but deep down, I knew I really, really liked it.
I had no role models who were LGBT, there was very little LGBT representation in the media at the time. (I say this like it was years ago, it was literally 2013 ha) I also didn't know any openly gay feminine women. It sounds pretty stupid now, because obviously how you dress and present yourself has no correlation to sexuality, but at the time, I never saw myself represented.
Fast forward to 17 and after a failed relationship with a boy, I started watching a lot of gay youtubers and consuming a lot of LGBT media. That year the beauty vlogger Ingrid Nilsen posted her coming out video. Seeing someone who was proudly a lesbian and had an interest in fashion and beauty was great representation and make me think about my own identity. Like something clicked in my brain that said, "it's okay to like girls. You could be gay."
At 18, I decided to come out to my Grandma as gay. I knew she would be accepting as one of her sons is gay. I then came out to my mum and dad and a few weeks later started university, where I decided I was going to be fully and completely myself with everyone I met. Most people were very accepting and lovely, however a few others seemed shocked and went completely quiet. Eventually, I did find my tribe, I joined the women's football team at university (very stereotypical I know) but this where I met a lovely group of friends I could be myself around, and no one batted an eyelid if you were dating or girl or a boy. That was amazing for me.
At 21 I had my first proper girlfriend, and in the last couple of years I have felt completely comfortable with who I am.
My advice:
- Try coming out to just one person you know will be accepting
Like I did, you don't have to jump in at the deep end and tell literally everyone you know, you can just start with one person who you know will have a positive reaction. Maybe you have an aunt or a cousin who is gay, or a friend who you know has been to Pride. Or someone online (like me!) this can build up your confidence.
- Only come out when you are 100% safe and ready.
A lot of people preach that everyone who is LGBT should just come out and be themselves, but the reality is it's not that simple for some people. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. I would love to live in a world where coming out and sexuality is no big deal and people just tell the people in their life who they are dating. If you're not out yet, for whatever reason, it's okay.
- You will always find people who will accept you and love you
If the absolute worse case scenario happens and your family and friends do have an issue with your sexuality or gender identity, you will meet your chosen family.
Hope you enjoyed this post and it helped you in some way or changed your viewpoint. If you want someone to talk to my DM's on Twitter are always open (@melissajordank) otherwise I have linked some organisations who may be able to help.
Support:
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-and-advice
https://lgbt.foundation/how-we-can-help-you
https://lgbt.foundation/comingout
https://switchboard.lgbt/
