My Coming Out Story + Advice

Sunday was National coming out day, which got me thinking about my own coming out story, and how there are many LGBT+ people out there who have not come out and are not sure how to tell people, or are just coming to terms with their identity. On my blog and on Twitter, I am very open about being a gay woman and talk honestly about my experiences. However, as a teenager, I struggled with my sexuality and felt that I couldn't talk about it due to fear of being judged. I did have a fairly positive experience with coming out, and it could be the same for you.

I would like to start by saying that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with being unsure of who you are, whether it's gender or sexuality. 

How I magically realised I was a lesbian:

When I was 11, I started an all girls secondary school and straight away, I had a crush on a girl for the first time. I remember feeling quite scared- I had just started a new school where I didn't know most people and I was terrified of what people would think. I didn't want to be considered different as I'd been bullied in primary school. What did this mean? Did this mean I was a lesbian? I'd only ever heard that word thrown around in a negative context before, like it was something really bad or embarrassing. However, I knew I'd never looked at a boy the way I looked at this girl. I wanted to be around her all the time and thought she was lovely and funny. 

Throughout the rest of high school I didn't tell anyone about my feelings, but they were always in the background of my mind. In this heteronormative environment (where people assume you are straight.) I honestly believed my attraction to girls was a phase. Out of school I sometimes kissed boys, and had my first kiss with a girl at 15. I just played it off saying that girls could kiss girls and be straight, but deep down, I knew I really, really liked it. 

I had no role models who were LGBT, there was very little LGBT representation in the media at the time. (I say this like it was years ago, it was literally 2013 ha) I also didn't know any openly gay feminine women. It sounds pretty stupid now, because obviously how you dress and present yourself has no correlation to sexuality, but at the time, I never saw myself represented. 

Fast forward to 17 and after a failed relationship with a boy, I started watching a lot of gay youtubers and consuming a lot of LGBT media. That year the beauty vlogger Ingrid Nilsen posted her coming out video. Seeing someone who was proudly a lesbian and had an interest in fashion and beauty was great representation and make me think about my own identity. Like something clicked in my brain that said, "it's okay to like girls. You could be gay."

At 18, I decided to come out to my Grandma as gay. I knew she would be accepting as one of her sons is gay. I then came out to my mum and dad and a few weeks later started university, where I decided I was going to be fully and completely myself with everyone I met. Most people were very accepting and lovely, however a few others seemed shocked and went completely quiet. Eventually, I did find my tribe, I joined the women's football team at university (very stereotypical I know) but this where I met a lovely group of friends I could be myself around, and no one batted an eyelid if you were dating or girl or a boy. That was amazing for me. 

At 21 I had my first proper girlfriend, and in the last couple of years I have felt completely comfortable with who I am. 

My advice:

- Try coming out to just one person you know will be accepting

Like I did, you don't have to jump in at the deep end and tell literally everyone you know, you can just start with one person who you know will have a positive reaction. Maybe you have an aunt or a cousin who is gay, or a friend who you know has been to Pride. Or someone online (like me!) this can build up your confidence. 

- Only come out when you are 100% safe and ready.

A lot of people preach that everyone who is LGBT should just come out and be themselves, but the reality is it's not that simple for some people. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. I would love to live in a world where coming out and sexuality is no big deal and people just tell the people in their life who they are dating. If you're not out yet, for whatever reason, it's okay. 

- You will always find people who will accept you and love you

If the absolute worse case scenario happens and your family and friends do have an issue with your sexuality or gender identity, you will meet your chosen family. 

Hope you enjoyed this post and it helped you in some way or changed your viewpoint. If you want someone to talk to my DM's on Twitter are always open (@melissajordank) otherwise I have linked some organisations who may be able to help.

Support:

https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-and-advice

https://lgbt.foundation/how-we-can-help-you

https://lgbt.foundation/comingout

https://switchboard.lgbt/

Lesbian 101: Managing a Long Distance Relationship

One of the biggest lesbian stereotypes is that we always get into long distance relationships. To be fair, we have a much smaller dating pool so long distance relationships are a lot more likely.

In September, my and my girlfriend Abbie will have been together for a year. However, we have spent four months apart. When we met Abbie was living in student accommodation in Manchester quite close to where I live, so we were regularly going on dates and I stayed over quite regularly. Abbie moved out of her student accommodation in March when the country went into lockdown, so since then we've been doing the long distance thing. At first, it was so difficult and I thought we would struggle as I'd been so used to seeing each other all the time and practically living together. Over the last four months, though, we have managed to maintain a happy and healthy relationship without seeing each other in the flesh.

- Remember that it's not forever
Think about the future. You won't be apart forever so look forward to when you can spend time together. If you're both isolating separately, remember that restrictions will soon be lifted and hopefully soon this pandemic will be over. At the start of lockdown, Abbie said to me, 'this isn't the end, it's just the beginning.' Ridiculously cheesy, but its true.

- Have a plan to see each other
I'm planning to get the train to Sheffield to see Abbie in a few weeks, which is always something to look forward to when I'm missing her.

- Check in with each other every day
You don't have to be in constant contact, but it's good to check in with each other at least once a day. I often work long hours and Abbie has football training several hours a week so we can't always have long conversation, however just checking how you partner is can go a long way.

- Zoom is your best friend
Sounds very obvious but it always cheers me up to see Abbie's face when we video chat. It gives me butterflies just as much as seeing her in real life (Aww)

Lesbian 101: Dating

Attempting to date people when your a girl who likes girls seems like a completely impossible task. As a former baby gay, I have made a lot of mistakes on the journey to search for love, most of them occurring on tinder. Basically, prior to my current relationship my dating life was a complete disaster and a joke. I suppose I am now slightly qualified to be giving advice on this subject, since I now in a lovely relationship with a girl, somehow. I don't know how this has happened, it definitely must be a fluke. I am also massively punching. This is everything that I know about lesbian dating, and everything a baby gay could wish to know.

DATING APPS

Even though they seem like a complete an utter nightmare, a lot of people have actually met their partners on dating apps. When I was single I did use tinder and had quite a few dates from it, but this was after A LOT of searching! I would definitely recommend downloading tinder for finding a date,  however you may find that many people on there are more looking for something casual rather than a relationship. It is the most popular dating app however, so obviously, there is a better success rate. Another thing Tinder is really good for is meeting up with people at festivals and prides. Make sure you put a picture of a dog on your profile, people like dogs.

ON NIGHTS OUT / PRIDE

Another great way to meet lesbians is on nights out. Obviously gay bars are the best places to do this. Many large cities like Manchester and Liverpool have LGBT venues (obvs only go if your over 18) Unfortunately, it is still unlikely you will meet your future wife that you will adopt dogs with on a Thursday night in G-A-Y. Let's be honest, most people are drunkenly looking for something casual, and that's putting it very politely. I am probably the exception to this as a met my girlfriend on a night out, not at a gay bar however! And if you don't meet your wife, you can still have a dance to Kylie. And get cheap double vodkas. So no downside.

Pride events happen all over the world, mostly in the month of June. Not only is it a great chance to be proud and have fun with your friends, it's also a great place to meet girls. Just stay away from the portaloos.

FIRST DATE

So a miracle has happened, the stars have aligned and you have got yourself a date. Amazing. I'm very proud. So where do you go? I think it's totally up to you, I think an adventurous date like junkyard golf and then some drinks after is a great option.

Who pays on a lesbian date? Sounds like a stupid question, but a lot of people would genuinely wonder. In my opinion, the person who's doing the asking out generally should pay.

BEYOND

Very over dramatic subtitle. I'm sorry that was unnecessary. After the date, send a quick text saying you had a good time. (That is, if you, er, went back to your own house.) If the first date went well, lesbian relationships normally move quite quick, so you'll probably be moving in soon. Congrats.

GIRLS STILL IN LOVE WITH THEIR EX

No. I mean it, no. We both know it will end in tears. But seriously, why do so many lesbians still have feelings for an ex? I think this is one of the great lesbian mysteries of the world. I don't understand it, and if any of you find out, please tell me.

So now you baby gays have all the knowledge you need to go into the big bad horrible world of lesbian dating. Hope you all enjoy. It's great.

What You Should Know About Sexuality | Sexuality Series

Hi babes, welcome back to The Fashion Femme, Welcome to a new series on this blog, #SexualitySeries! In this series I will be discussing topics such as LGBTQ issues, coming out, online dating, relationships, orgasms, toys, safe sex and contraception and more. I really wanted to write a really inclusive series on this blog talking about taboo but important topics. This is based on my own experiences and opinions and also a lot of research I've done. I'm so excited for this series! So to start off,  here is everything you should know about sexuality...

- How someone dresses doesn't define their sexuality.
Obviously this is the whole title of this blog, there are plenty of femme lesbians/queer and bi women, and absolutely everything in between. And of course, straight women can rock the fuck out of a suit, (let's seriously talk about Scarlett Johansson in a suit.) So it is important to remember to express yourself however you want, the world is full of so many diverse types of people. Don't ever think that you're not queer enough because you're feminine.

- Labels aren't always important
I think this is a lot easier said than done, a lot of people, both gay and straight, say labels aren't important, but don't really practice what they preach. Personally, I've kind of given up labelling myself, although I'm attracted to women like 85% of the time, I've had crushes on all genders and think I could fall for anyone. If you find labels such as 'Gay' 'Straight' 'Bisexual' and even 'Pansexual' restricting, you really don't need to use any of them! Just be you, you are amazing.

- Sexuality is SO fluid

This isn't the case for everyone, of course there people who are exclusively hetrosexual and exclusively homosexual, however! For many people, things can change. 

- Girls can hurt you just as much as boys, and domestic violence can affect anyone
Ever seen that post, 'if your boyfriend doesn't treat you right, there's a gay girl that will?' Well that is seriously untrue. Queer women definitely can experience hurt and abuse and it's important to not erase that. According to charity Stonewall, one in four lesbian and bi women have experienced domestic violence in a relationship or by a family member, this rises to almost half (49%) or gay and bi men. You should definitely be aware of the fact that girls can play you about, girls can be fuckboys, girls can break your heart.

- Gender and Sexuality are two different things.

So there's a lot of people that don't really understand. So if someone is a transgender woman, they are a woman, plain and simple. So they may be straight, gay, bisexual, or anything in between, not necessarily attracted to women just because they are trans. If cisgender* men and women can be attracted can be either men or women or both, it's the same for trans and non-binary people. Cause that's just how it is.

- Go to pride, it's an amazing experience.

As you tell by reading this blog, I may be a little bit excited for pride. Just a little bit, I think. If you've never experienced Pride, it's like gay disneyland/ gay christmas/ all my personal christmases come at once. Especially in a big city. In the parades, you see so many different types of people celebrating who they are. Honestly makes me a bit emotional, but I am a big flannel and you're probably not as bad as me. I disagree with people saying it's just a political protest, it's also a big party that brings the community and beyond together. There's nothing wrong with that. Who doesn't love drinking dark fruits at 3pm and dancing to Abba? Not many people, is my answer to that.

*Cisgender= Someone who identifies with their gender at birth. So, the opposite of transgender.

Hope you enjoyed the start of this series. Please let me know what you thought and if you have any ideas of topics you'd like me to cover! This blog is my little child and I love to watch it grow.